Sometimes you just need to get away

Hey guys,

So I had been on a good track of writing once a week but alas due to on thing and another I haven’t written in a few weeks. Today marks my 1 year anniversary of starting this blog. Where has all that time gone?

So, over the last few days there have been some pretty drastic changes to my life. I quit my job in the hotel where I worked. At long last. I loves the job I had but I began to despise the place where I had it. During my first week there,  two chefs  left along with two managers.  This immediately had alarm bells going off in my head and I remember saying it to my mum who encouraged me  to stick it out until I found something better. And I really did. On Monday, I start working in one of the biggest banks in Ireland for 10 weeks as a summer student. This is an amazing opportunity for me as I am studying Commerce so it is practical work experience in an industry that I might end up going into one day.

So due to getting this new job, I am also moving. I’m moving in with my Grandparents as they live near to where I will be working and I will be able to walk to and from work everyday. I haven’t spent a summer at home since I was 13 so the thought of the possibility of doing it this summer didn’t sit well with me.. at all.. especially with my Instagram feed being full of pictures of people on J1’s (In the USA on a student summer working visa) or on amazing trips to places like Thailand or Malaysia. As it is it’s still kinda depressing to be working for the summer but I will be surrounded by family who I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with.

Another big thing for my was passing my  theory test so I can FINALLY start learning how to drive 😀 In Ireland, you first need to do a test detailing the rules of the road and that kind of thing. You are given 40 questions out of a possible 900 (I think) and you need to get at least 35 right. You then need to do 12 driving lessons before you can attempt to do your driving test and be allowed drive by yourself. Basically its a money racket but alas I can’t do anything about it…

Some people may be wondering about the state of my love life after my last post. My answer is I don’t know what is happening. I went of to that going away party and I realized how much I was going to miss the guy who is moving to Dublin. I wanted to have a proper conversation with him but it wasn’t the time or the place to pour my heart out.. Add vodka to the mix and I would have ended up in floods of tears. What we did manage to talk about was him having a lot on his mind, me being one of those things. When I was going home, he kissed me and that was the last contact I’ve had with him. And I miss him.. A lot. Before I developed feelings for him, we were friends who spoke all day every day. There is a big difference between speaking all day everyday to having no contact at all and I miss my friend.

That being said, I had a lot on my mind so I took off for a few days. More like a week, When I quit my job in the hotel, I told myself that I would give myself 2 weeks off to just be able to catch up on missed sleep and have some time to myself before starting the new job. So last week, I went on an adventure 🙂 I went to visit two of my best friends who live in different parts of the country. I went to Monaghan first where I visited my friend Grace. Myself and Grace have been on many adventures together and I miss her when I don’t get to see her. When I went up, we took it easy and drank A LOT of wine… But sure when on holidays I might as well 😛Snapchat-2011600122

A few days later, I traveled back to Meath, back to my home town where I lived until I was 13. I stayed with another really good friend of mine there, Ciara. We have been friends since we began primary school. That was 16 years ago. It had been a long time since I had gotten the chance to spend proper time with her so we really enjoyed our few days. We went on an adventure into Dublin where Ciara introduced me to scrumdiddlys ice cream and an amazing cocktail bar in Rathmines called Copan, where all the cocktails are €5. It.was.awseome.

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So I hoped you enjoyed this post, I felt guilty for not writing but I had no laptop with me on my  travels and it was nice to disconnect for a while. 🙂

Thanks for reading,

Love, Kathy ❤

Love. As told by a hopeless romantic.

I have always had a very idealistic view of love. I look at my parents, who are married 24 years since last week and see how happy they are and see what I want. They met when they were 18 and were married at 23. I am almost 21 and nowhere close to being married.

I had my first official boyfriend when I was 15, he was in my year in school and made me laugh. I remember being too scared to tell my friends that I liked him because one of my friends absolutely hated his guts, they had been in primary school together and did not get on. The relationship was short-lived. We were kids and the intensity of the relationship freaked me out. Fast forward two years and the same guy sits next to me in biology. I was furious but gradually, he broke down my walls and we fell in love. The relationship ‘ended’ for the summer as I was going to Belgium for the summer and he had family stuff to deal with. Although the relationship had technically ended, I was still in love with him. It didn’t take very long for us to get back together when school started back. We broke up a coupe of months later due to final year exam stress and some other BS excuses he gave me at the time. Fast forward another 2 years and he is someone I would consider one of my best friends. He was my rock for a long time and although we have had our ups and (pretty spectacular) downs, it is still possible to be friends.

Ian

Moving on to the second guy I loved. I have written about him a few times over the last year. We met the old-fashioned way, on Tinder. He lived in Kilkenny and me in Cork. I fell in love with him fairly quickly, which should have been a warning sign. My life became all about him, He was the first person who I thought of in the morning and the last person who I thought of at night. Yeah in some circumstances that might be considered cute. In my case it became unhealthy. He suffered from various mental health problems, which I thought I was going to be able to deal with. It turned out I wasn’t. I didn’t know which boyfriend would show up on a particular day. It made life difficult.  The relationship started to deteriorate when I was in Spain as an Au-Pair last summer. There was an incident when I cam home where I should have walked away from the relationship then and there. Instead I cried and put up with it. He didn’t realize he had done anything wrong.  Around this time, things were not good with my family and my own mental health started to deteriorate.  He also then began to pressure me into things that I could not do. We only ever had one fight but it was the same fight on repeat. When we broke up, I was heartbroken but I was also relieved.

I was a mess following the breakup but a friend of mine who has a boyfriend wanted to find someone on Tinder so she downloaded it on my phone about 2 weeks after we broke up. I ignored it for another few weeks and then got back into it. At the end of November I started seeing this guy. He is absolutely gorgeous and neither of us were really looking for a relationship at the time. We proceeded to see each-other on at least a weekly basis up until recently. The thing about me is I either fall hard and quickly or I don’t fall at all. I think I half fell for this guy but it wasn’t enough. I like being in contact with people and I am an absolute demon for snapchat (especially when its exam time…) My major problem with this guy was the non contact. There was a stage where I didn’t hear from him for a week and I decided enough was enough.

This brings me to my current romantic predicament. I have fallen for a guy I shouldn’t have, not because he’s a bad guy, just shitty timing. This particular guy drove to a house party at 4 am to make sure I was ok after getting snapchats from me suggesting I wasn’t ok. He came to cuddle me to warm me up and to scare off the 17 year olds who had been hitting on me all evening and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He also kissed me and that kiss changed everything. I had always though he was a great guy and his girlfriend (at the time) was lucky to have him. Now, he is moving to Dublin for work and me to Kerry for the summer. When I come back from Kerry, I will be moving to Spain. What I feel for him now, could turn into something big and I could fall really hard for him. Really really hard. The romantic in me says go for it, the practical side of me says you  are going to get your heart-broken again.

I have always recovered from heartbreak with some more walls. I find it difficult to let people in. I was asked at one stage ‘What kind of guys do you usually go for?’ and my response was ‘Usually ones who break my heart’. I don’t love easily but when I do, I love deeply. Tomorrow night I’m going to the going away party for the guy who is moving to Dublin. Last time I saw him he kissed me goodbye and I am freaking out about how it will go.

I was told recently by a guy that he didn’t see me as the marriage and kids type. I want to get married. Kids on the other hand, I’m allergic to 😛 For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married. I think this is due to my parents. I’m sure their relationship isn’t perfect and it’s had its ups and downs throughout the years. Despite that, they never let us see that, maybe we were to young to notice (we being me and my 3 younger siblings) and have now gotten to the stage where they joke about sex (That will never be ok..) They are each-others best friend and partner in all aspects. I want that. When I daydream about my relationships (you know when you think of all those possibilities) I see lazy weekends curled up together, I see walks on the beach, I see long car journeys where we talk for hours, I see hand holding and I see us being best friends and true partners.

I made a vow to myself that there were to be no life changing decisions to be made until I at least finished college. Who knows when that will be. For now I am going to see what happens tomorrow night with the guy who means a lot to me and maybe take a break from boys.. Probably a good idea.

Thanks for reading,

Love Kathy ❤

A letter to my future self

Hey guys,

So this morning as a form of procrastination, I re-read all of my posts to see if there were spelling mistakes etc as I was probably too lazy to do it when I first published them (I am going to work on this). I came across my post, A Series of Unfortunate Events, where I wrote about a bucket list I wanted to achieve before I turned 20. I am going to be 21 in August and I just realized that I had done very few of the things I wanted to get done for last summer. So here is me ticking off another thing on my list.

Thanks for reading,

Kathy ❤

Dear future Kathy,

As you write this, you are sitting in the basement of the ORB in UCC. You are listening to Ed Sheeran’s Castle on the Hill and smiling at the lines, “But I was younger then, take me back to when We found weekend jobs, when we got paid We’d buy cheap spirits and drink them straight Me and my friends have not thrown up in so long, oh how we’ve grown But I can’t wait to go home”. I don’t know when you are going to re-read this. I hope you have achieved all that you want to. I hope you got that summer job in the bank that you wanted to. That you made it to Alicante.

I hope that you are no longer sick, that despite having a rough start to 2017 that now you are ok. I hope that you have stopped hurting yourself, remember that scratch you got off the briar in Gran’s house about 10 years ago? That scarred you. you scar too easily to add more to your collection yourself.

I hope that no matter where you end up after this hellish year of college, you are happy. I hope that the people you want to support you do, without questioning it. I hope that you do you, you can do this. Remember, you are who you choose to become. Don’t let anyone change your mind and tell you otherwise. As I sit here and write this, my minds is all over the place, I don’t know where I’m going to be in two weeks time. I don’t know if I’ll be living at home for the summer, if I’ll be in Tralee or if I’ll be in Cork. Wherever you end up, whatever you do, remember you got this girl.

No matter what you’re doing, go outside, take a walk. Ring Mum for a chat, then ring Anna. Tell them you love them. Live every day to the full. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. Don’ ever let someone hurting you change how you look at love and relationships keep wearing your heart on your sleeve and don’t let anyone change that. Oh, and finish that bucket list of yours. 😛

Ok I think this went in about 15 different directions, this is a prime example of what you were like at exam time.

Lots of love,

20-year-old Kathy.

 

 

Life gets in the way

Hey guys,

Its been a couple of weeks since I’ve uploaded. I came on today just to have a quick look at my stats and whatnot and it was only then I realized how longs its been! Life really has been busy the last few weeks. That being said I haven’t done anything except go to college, work and the doctor.. I don’t even know where time goes anymore.

So a quick life update, I have had about 15- 20 doctors appointments since I hurt my shoulder back in February. I have had two finger infections, a sinus infection and have had to have bloods taken. When I went to the doctor about having a finger infection (the first time) she told me that my body was basically falling apart because of stress. She also tole me I should get my bloods done once I was finished the course of antibiotics I was on that she prescribed me. A week later,  I was back in the health center  again to see the doctor to get my bloods done. When I was there I complained of a sore throat and she started tapping my face and came to the conclusion I had a sinus infection, resulting in more antibiotics (if you guessed it you get a virtual prize :P). When I was there she was asking about my general well-being/ my course (I go to the Student Health Clinic at my University). It came up in conversation that I had a massive panic attack the day before so she referred me to the counselling service in the same clinic.

A few days later, I was in the library studying for a Spanish test (I know, student of the year award goes to me) when I got a phone call from my doctor saying that some of my bloods had come back funny and that I needed to come into them first thing the following morning. When I arrived the following morning I was a bit concerned because I didn’t know what was going on. I went into the doctor anyway and she explained that my vitamin b12 levels were half of what they should be which explained why I had been sick so much recently and why I have absolutely no energy. To fix this, I get to get a series of b12 injections. There are 5 of them :O I have had 2 already so only another 3 to go!

The following day saw my trip to the counselor. I literally went in and started talking to him and just started bawling crying.. which I continued to do for the entire session. He told me things about myself and my course that I knew but didn’t want to admit to. He also helped me to come up for a backup plan if my exams don’t go to plan in a couple of weeks time. I’m not going to share that plan with anyone just yet as it is a secret and I don’t know if I’ll need to implement it just yet.. That being said, I’m kinda excited about it 🙂

Other than doctors appointments I have been really pissed off at the whole Bus Eireann strike thing. Yeah most people won’t know what that is so its all g 😛

I would also like to thank people who read this blog. When I logged on today I have people reading from Vietnam, Malta, Russia, Portugal, Spain, USA, Canada.. I’m Irish so it’s amazing to see my ramblings and rants being read by people from so far away (and from closer to home too)

Anyway I’m off to get an award so I shall talk to ye soon,

As always, Thanks for reading,

Kathy ❤

Favorite March Music

Hey guys,

So I decided that I was ready for some commitment in my life and took the grown up plunge to invest in Spotify Premium.. Yay meeee! 😛 Since I took the plunge, I have gone through 3 pairs of earphones (anyone have any recommendations for good ones that don’t break?). In fairness none of the earphones were all that expensive and I could probably do with buying a proper pair but ain’t nobody got time for that.

So in addition to me suddenly having endless music at my fingertips and having an immense amount of college work to do I have spent A LOT of the last month plugged in. Here are some of my favorites from the month of March 🙂

1. ÷ (Divide), Ed Sheeran

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely obsessed with this album. I fell in love with ‘Castle on the Hill’ when it first came out and couldn’t wait for the rest of the album. He has such a variety of types of songs and music on the album that you never get bored listening to it. I also love Galway Girl (it night be the Irish girl in me) and Nancy Mulligan (this definitely appeals to the romantic in me). Way to go Ed, this album is fantastic 😀

2. Water Under the Bridge, Adele. 

I think all of Adele’s stuff is great but I love this song!! It’s a song about fighting for what you want and who you love. Plus its really catchy..

3. El Mismo Sol, Alvaro Soler.

I came across this Spanish gents music while in Madrid last summer due to his single Sofia being played EVERY.SINGLE.TIME the radio was turned on. That said I love Sofia too but some things can be slightly overplayed (I think my family will agree with me on this one seeing as they all know the words to it and they don’t speak Spanish…). My 5-year-old in Spain taught me the words and I have video footage of her doing it 😛 She never failed to entertain. Anyway I went slightly off topic.. but yeah.. El Mismo Sol is great. The title  translates as ‘The Same  my interpretation of the song is that it’s about unity and how we are all under the same sun.. there are bits about love in there too but I like the last line, ‘Aquí todos estamos bajo el mismo sol’ meaning “Here we all are, under the same sun.”

4. Phil Collins.. In general

So I’m a big Phil Collins fan. My music taste is quite varied and probably slightly weird but as my good friend one told me, when it comes to music, everyone has different tastes 🙂 I love the music from Tarzan and that is how I fell in love with more of his music 🙂

5. Take A Bow, Rihanna/ Love Song, Sara Bareilles

Some serious throwback songs that ended up on my discover playlist 😀

 

So this was a bit of an unusual post for me but I have been writing an essay for college all day and this is what I was listening to.. 😛

Hope you enjoyed,

Thanks for reading,

Kathy ❤

(P.S. here is the link to my March playlist on Spotify… https://open.spotify.com/user/11141787897/playlist/56tSudORfEJYMmldcrZihY)

 

Studying, Stress and a Subluxed shoulder

Hey guys,

My apologies for not uploading sooner, I have had a kinda crazy month! College for the last month has been nuts! Between RAG week (where I was really boring and didn’t even go out once) and study my time-table has been pretty full. I also managed to injure myself at work so that’s always fun.

So during the summer I had two exam repeats as I failed them the first time I took them. That couple with a bad ending to my au-pairing experience left me in a bad mental space. I felt worthless and genuinely didn’t want to wake up in the morning after falling asleep. I got into a bad routine of not going to bed until around 2 am and not waking until around noon. I would then spend the entire day sitting on my bed on my laptop studying for my exams. It was bad and it was a contributing factor to how I was feeling. Things were also not good with my parents at the time, partially due to them not liking my then boyfriend and partially due to me coming home early from Spain. All these factors added up led me to have daily panic attacks and to my self harming. Obviously, none of this was ideal. This led me to go on and fail one of the repeats I had to sit. Once again, not ideal. I found that once my boyfriend and I broke up in October, I felt much better. I was able to focus more on uni and work and my mental health improved. I was on an upwards stretch until I hit a bump recently. The month of March is crazy for me, I had an exam on the 9th, an assignment (3000 words) due for the 27th and a Spanish test worth 30% of this years grade on the 29th. It’s a lot of pressure by itself but when you have your mother on your back EVERY FRIKIN DAY it makes things even worse. Recently things haven’t been so great for me. Stress levels are high and I started self harming again. I haven’t in about three weeks and the marks on my arms are healing but they are still there.

I haven’t told most people about how I’m feeling, mostly just one of my best friends, who I regret telling because he gets so worried about me. I don’t know why I’m writing this but it feels kinda good to let it all out and put an order on things. I still haven’t told anyone about this blog so I won’t be spilling my secrets to my friends and family. I have 5 exams coming up at the end of April/ start of May and I am absolutely terrified of failing. I can’t take much more of feeling like a failure, despite me spending nearly all my free time in the library since this semester began.

In addition to this, I haven’t been able to keep up going to the gym which is my stress relief due to injury. At the start of February, I sprained my ankle coming out of a lecture. It took about 2 weeks to recover and I was looking forward to being able to go to the gym. One Monday at work, I was all excited to go to the gym the following day when I was carrying a crate of beer and suddenly I had a crippling pain in my shoulder. I immediately dropped the crate (Onto a keg so it didn’t have far to go) and went in search of my manager. When I found her, I explained what happened and she was all concerned but there was  nothing she could do and she just reckoned I’d pulled a muscle. The following day, I went to the medical center in college and went to see the physio who diagnosed my shoulder as being subluxed. She said basically, my collar-bone popped out-of-place and back into place spontaneously. Fun right? Basically its just been one thing after another recently. I now have an infected finger cause stress is quite literally making my body break down. Yayyy.. Another prescription!

Anyway, Thanks for reading guys,

See you soon,

Kathy

Valentines day and RAG week

Hey guys,

This week is RAG week in UCC, my university. Every year in colleges across Ireland there is a week dedicated to raising money for charity, its official name is Raise and Give week. That being said, a lot of people use it as an excuse to start drinking early and keep drinking for a week. Both bars on campus start serving at 2 pm, there is music, DJs, bands and other various events throughout the week. The different clubs and societies are running various events for the week, the Commerce Society are holding a Nearly Naked Mile (American Pie flashbacks anyone). There are also events such as a wedding, The Rose of UCC, a Karaoke night  and a drinking competition called the Iron Stomach. All in all, there is a pretty good buzz around campus (once everyone wakes up :P)

Coincidentally, Valentines always falls in the middle of RAG week. This year, I am single, but I do have a Valentine ❤ I started seeing someone a few months ago and he agreed to be my Valentine when I saw him last week so I have plans with him this evening 🙂 Because he isn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t get  him a card and present or anything and am now kinda regretting it.. I’ll be freaked if I didn’t get him anything and he has something for me :O Advice anyone?? 🙂

Sorry for the short post, I now have to speak to my friend in Spanish for an hour!

Thanks for reading,

Kathy ❤