Mental health and self harm

Hi Guys,

Happy Black Friday, we don’t celebrate Thanksgiving in Ireland so black Friday it is..

This post is a more serious one for me, I have always been honest when writing here but this one is something that means a lot to me.

This evening, while eating dinner with my family, the theme of self harming came up in conversation when my brother happened to mention a girl who he recognizes from working in a shop where he buys his x-box games. He commented on the fact that her arms are covered with self harm scars and he labeled them as ‘disgusting’. My brother has dealt with his own shit so I was shocked to hear this description from him.

Immediately, I jumped to the defense of this girl, who I don’t know and probably wouldn’t know if she passed me in the street. My argument was that this girl has obviously struggled. She wouldn’t have given herself those scars for no reason and I think she should be applauded for being brave enough to expose them.  Both my parents agreed with my brother saying that her scars should be covered, that they felt like she should present herself in a professional manner and that they felt offended by the scars. The shop in which she works, isn’t somewhere people dress professionally, usually the staff wear a t-shirt and jeans, have exposed tattoos and could have multi-colored hair. It is what it is and this girl was most likely wearing her work uniform.

As some of you may or may not know, I was diagnosed with anxiety earlier this year and my doctor sent me to see a therapist as she was worried about my mental health. I spent the entire time with the therapist bawling my eyes out. My anxiety was largely college related and it took a hell of a lot out of me. I am where I am now due to taking myself out of that situation.   According to my mum, I have a sparkle back in my eye and a buzz around me. I am happy. I, like anyone will have my bad days, when all I want to do is cry but I am a whole lot better than where I was this time a year ago.

When I was at my worst, I went to bed not wanting to wake up the following morning. I pulled apart a razor blade with my bare hands in the hopes of providing myself with some relief. I used a needle and a lighter to burn myself in an attempt to feel something other than the overwhelming numbness that was my life. I told no one. My friends didn’t know what was happening inside my head, neither did my family or the guy I was seeing at the time. Most people still don’t know. When talking to my Mum about not going back to college I mentioned that I had been so miserable I was self harming but I don’t think it registered. I have scars. They may not be slits up and down my arms like the poor girl working in the shop but there are there none the less.

After being in a situation where I felt trapped, I can never judge anyone else for the decisions they make while suffering from a mental illness and it upsets me that my parents would. There has been enough judgement passed on people who suffer with their mental health and I think it is time to stop and for people who haven’t experienced that desperation to comment and say its attention seeking is insulting.

Ok so this post was heavy-duty. I’m gonna go shower and cry now.

If you have ever felt like you need to self harm, please, don’t. Reach out to someone instead. I wish I had.

If you have ever self harmed, know that you are a strong and amazing person and your scars and marks make you a better person who has faced the worst times and come out the other side even stronger.

If you have ever judged someone for marring their skin, I hope this post will make you think.

Thanks for reading,

Love always,

Kathy ❤

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Life Update : 3 weeks on

Hi Guys,

I was so much better at updating before I moved to Kerry… But I’m back home now for the time being so here’s to more posts, with more interesting content than what has been happening in my life…

So, I am home. Back with my family after spending the most amazing summer working with the most INCREDIBLE group of people. I turned 21 a week before I finished there, turning 21 is a big thing in Ireland, I’m not so sure about the rest of the world though.. On the morning of my birthday, we had a staff meeting,  the usual stuff, I hadn’t had enough coffee yet so I was all picture no sound, when out of one of the offices came one of my managers, with a cake and 21 birthday candles. The entire place started singing me happy birthday. I genuinely nearly died of embarrassment!! It was one of the nicest things that could have happened me that day, I was away from my family and feeling a little bit lonely and that made my day. In addition to getting me a cake (with my name on it for the first time EVER), they all chipped in and bought me two beautiful Pandora charms for my bracelet that my parents bought me for my 18th. I still don’t have the words to describe how much it meant.

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Birthday at work

Since I have decided not to go back to college in September to finish my degree, once I finished my contract, I am looking for a job. People keep telling me that the world is my oyster, I know it is but it can be hard to believe it sometimes. If you have followed my blog for a while, you will have gathered that my mental health can be questionable at times and waking up on Monday morning knowing I didn’t have a job to go to was incredibly tough. I am the type of person who loves to be working, I am well able to relax when I have my time off and I really do enjoy my nights out but I like work. I think it is the routine that suits me. While in Kerry, my Grandad would wake me up at 7.15 every morning, telling me it was 7.30.. I’d then get up around 7.45, get myself ready and go to work for the day. My evenings could be spent on the beach, hanging out with my grandparents, hanging out with my aunt and cousins or cuddling the dogs on the couch.. It depended on the evening. My existence for the last 3 months may seem like  a quiet one but it has suited me down to the ground.

I have applied for a number of jobs over the last few weeks and there is one in particular I really want, based in Belfast and doing something I think I’d excel at. If you believe in God, send me your prayers, if not, any good luck wishes would be much appreciated as I try to figure out where I go next.

I promise my next post will be more exciting!

Thanks for reading,

Love always,

Kathy ❤

Love. As told by a hopeless romantic.

I have always had a very idealistic view of love. I look at my parents, who are married 24 years since last week and see how happy they are and see what I want. They met when they were 18 and were married at 23. I am almost 21 and nowhere close to being married.

I had my first official boyfriend when I was 15, he was in my year in school and made me laugh. I remember being too scared to tell my friends that I liked him because one of my friends absolutely hated his guts, they had been in primary school together and did not get on. The relationship was short-lived. We were kids and the intensity of the relationship freaked me out. Fast forward two years and the same guy sits next to me in biology. I was furious but gradually, he broke down my walls and we fell in love. The relationship ‘ended’ for the summer as I was going to Belgium for the summer and he had family stuff to deal with. Although the relationship had technically ended, I was still in love with him. It didn’t take very long for us to get back together when school started back. We broke up a coupe of months later due to final year exam stress and some other BS excuses he gave me at the time. Fast forward another 2 years and he is someone I would consider one of my best friends. He was my rock for a long time and although we have had our ups and (pretty spectacular) downs, it is still possible to be friends.

Ian

Moving on to the second guy I loved. I have written about him a few times over the last year. We met the old-fashioned way, on Tinder. He lived in Kilkenny and me in Cork. I fell in love with him fairly quickly, which should have been a warning sign. My life became all about him, He was the first person who I thought of in the morning and the last person who I thought of at night. Yeah in some circumstances that might be considered cute. In my case it became unhealthy. He suffered from various mental health problems, which I thought I was going to be able to deal with. It turned out I wasn’t. I didn’t know which boyfriend would show up on a particular day. It made life difficult.  The relationship started to deteriorate when I was in Spain as an Au-Pair last summer. There was an incident when I cam home where I should have walked away from the relationship then and there. Instead I cried and put up with it. He didn’t realize he had done anything wrong.  Around this time, things were not good with my family and my own mental health started to deteriorate.  He also then began to pressure me into things that I could not do. We only ever had one fight but it was the same fight on repeat. When we broke up, I was heartbroken but I was also relieved.

I was a mess following the breakup but a friend of mine who has a boyfriend wanted to find someone on Tinder so she downloaded it on my phone about 2 weeks after we broke up. I ignored it for another few weeks and then got back into it. At the end of November I started seeing this guy. He is absolutely gorgeous and neither of us were really looking for a relationship at the time. We proceeded to see each-other on at least a weekly basis up until recently. The thing about me is I either fall hard and quickly or I don’t fall at all. I think I half fell for this guy but it wasn’t enough. I like being in contact with people and I am an absolute demon for snapchat (especially when its exam time…) My major problem with this guy was the non contact. There was a stage where I didn’t hear from him for a week and I decided enough was enough.

This brings me to my current romantic predicament. I have fallen for a guy I shouldn’t have, not because he’s a bad guy, just shitty timing. This particular guy drove to a house party at 4 am to make sure I was ok after getting snapchats from me suggesting I wasn’t ok. He came to cuddle me to warm me up and to scare off the 17 year olds who had been hitting on me all evening and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He also kissed me and that kiss changed everything. I had always though he was a great guy and his girlfriend (at the time) was lucky to have him. Now, he is moving to Dublin for work and me to Kerry for the summer. When I come back from Kerry, I will be moving to Spain. What I feel for him now, could turn into something big and I could fall really hard for him. Really really hard. The romantic in me says go for it, the practical side of me says you  are going to get your heart-broken again.

I have always recovered from heartbreak with some more walls. I find it difficult to let people in. I was asked at one stage ‘What kind of guys do you usually go for?’ and my response was ‘Usually ones who break my heart’. I don’t love easily but when I do, I love deeply. Tomorrow night I’m going to the going away party for the guy who is moving to Dublin. Last time I saw him he kissed me goodbye and I am freaking out about how it will go.

I was told recently by a guy that he didn’t see me as the marriage and kids type. I want to get married. Kids on the other hand, I’m allergic to 😛 For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married. I think this is due to my parents. I’m sure their relationship isn’t perfect and it’s had its ups and downs throughout the years. Despite that, they never let us see that, maybe we were to young to notice (we being me and my 3 younger siblings) and have now gotten to the stage where they joke about sex (That will never be ok..) They are each-others best friend and partner in all aspects. I want that. When I daydream about my relationships (you know when you think of all those possibilities) I see lazy weekends curled up together, I see walks on the beach, I see long car journeys where we talk for hours, I see hand holding and I see us being best friends and true partners.

I made a vow to myself that there were to be no life changing decisions to be made until I at least finished college. Who knows when that will be. For now I am going to see what happens tomorrow night with the guy who means a lot to me and maybe take a break from boys.. Probably a good idea.

Thanks for reading,

Love Kathy ❤