Love. As told by a hopeless romantic.

I have always had a very idealistic view of love. I look at my parents, who are married 24 years since last week and see how happy they are and see what I want. They met when they were 18 and were married at 23. I am almost 21 and nowhere close to being married.

I had my first official boyfriend when I was 15, he was in my year in school and made me laugh. I remember being too scared to tell my friends that I liked him because one of my friends absolutely hated his guts, they had been in primary school together and did not get on. The relationship was short-lived. We were kids and the intensity of the relationship freaked me out. Fast forward two years and the same guy sits next to me in biology. I was furious but gradually, he broke down my walls and we fell in love. The relationship ‘ended’ for the summer as I was going to Belgium for the summer and he had family stuff to deal with. Although the relationship had technically ended, I was still in love with him. It didn’t take very long for us to get back together when school started back. We broke up a coupe of months later due to final year exam stress and some other BS excuses he gave me at the time. Fast forward another 2 years and he is someone I would consider one of my best friends. He was my rock for a long time and although we have had our ups and (pretty spectacular) downs, it is still possible to be friends.

Ian

Moving on to the second guy I loved. I have written about him a few times over the last year. We met the old-fashioned way, on Tinder. He lived in Kilkenny and me in Cork. I fell in love with him fairly quickly, which should have been a warning sign. My life became all about him, He was the first person who I thought of in the morning and the last person who I thought of at night. Yeah in some circumstances that might be considered cute. In my case it became unhealthy. He suffered from various mental health problems, which I thought I was going to be able to deal with. It turned out I wasn’t. I didn’t know which boyfriend would show up on a particular day. It made life difficult.  The relationship started to deteriorate when I was in Spain as an Au-Pair last summer. There was an incident when I cam home where I should have walked away from the relationship then and there. Instead I cried and put up with it. He didn’t realize he had done anything wrong.  Around this time, things were not good with my family and my own mental health started to deteriorate.  He also then began to pressure me into things that I could not do. We only ever had one fight but it was the same fight on repeat. When we broke up, I was heartbroken but I was also relieved.

I was a mess following the breakup but a friend of mine who has a boyfriend wanted to find someone on Tinder so she downloaded it on my phone about 2 weeks after we broke up. I ignored it for another few weeks and then got back into it. At the end of November I started seeing this guy. He is absolutely gorgeous and neither of us were really looking for a relationship at the time. We proceeded to see each-other on at least a weekly basis up until recently. The thing about me is I either fall hard and quickly or I don’t fall at all. I think I half fell for this guy but it wasn’t enough. I like being in contact with people and I am an absolute demon for snapchat (especially when its exam time…) My major problem with this guy was the non contact. There was a stage where I didn’t hear from him for a week and I decided enough was enough.

This brings me to my current romantic predicament. I have fallen for a guy I shouldn’t have, not because he’s a bad guy, just shitty timing. This particular guy drove to a house party at 4 am to make sure I was ok after getting snapchats from me suggesting I wasn’t ok. He came to cuddle me to warm me up and to scare off the 17 year olds who had been hitting on me all evening and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He also kissed me and that kiss changed everything. I had always though he was a great guy and his girlfriend (at the time) was lucky to have him. Now, he is moving to Dublin for work and me to Kerry for the summer. When I come back from Kerry, I will be moving to Spain. What I feel for him now, could turn into something big and I could fall really hard for him. Really really hard. The romantic in me says go for it, the practical side of me says you  are going to get your heart-broken again.

I have always recovered from heartbreak with some more walls. I find it difficult to let people in. I was asked at one stage ‘What kind of guys do you usually go for?’ and my response was ‘Usually ones who break my heart’. I don’t love easily but when I do, I love deeply. Tomorrow night I’m going to the going away party for the guy who is moving to Dublin. Last time I saw him he kissed me goodbye and I am freaking out about how it will go.

I was told recently by a guy that he didn’t see me as the marriage and kids type. I want to get married. Kids on the other hand, I’m allergic to 😛 For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married. I think this is due to my parents. I’m sure their relationship isn’t perfect and it’s had its ups and downs throughout the years. Despite that, they never let us see that, maybe we were to young to notice (we being me and my 3 younger siblings) and have now gotten to the stage where they joke about sex (That will never be ok..) They are each-others best friend and partner in all aspects. I want that. When I daydream about my relationships (you know when you think of all those possibilities) I see lazy weekends curled up together, I see walks on the beach, I see long car journeys where we talk for hours, I see hand holding and I see us being best friends and true partners.

I made a vow to myself that there were to be no life changing decisions to be made until I at least finished college. Who knows when that will be. For now I am going to see what happens tomorrow night with the guy who means a lot to me and maybe take a break from boys.. Probably a good idea.

Thanks for reading,

Love Kathy ❤

Dissertations and 13 Reasons Why

Hey guys,

How is everyone doing? I know I haven’t written in weeks, life has been kicking my ass. It turns out that for me to be a semi functional adult, I need to nap.. everyday. Do I enjoy napping? Yes. Is it inconvenient? Extremely.

Over the last few weeks I have had to write a dissertation for college. It would have made life a million times easier if I had just decided to do a bit every week but alas I am the queen of bad decisions. I wrote my dissertation on NAFTA and the economic relationship between the US and Mexico. It was actually a pretty interesting subject, even if I do say so myself.

While taking breaks from writing, I watched 13 Reasons Why. It was my sister who convinced me to watch it, I didn’t really want to commit to a new series with my dissertation to do and exams just around the corner. If you haven’t seen it, its brilliant. Very dark and twisty but well worth the watch. If you don’t know what it’s about, a bullied teen, Hannah Baker, leaves 13 suicide tapes (instead of a note) explaining the 13 reasons why she killed herself. Some of the reasons were genuine reasons but some of them were kinda bullshit to be perfectly honest.

While watching the series, I was reminded of a similar scenario that happened an Irish girl in the US. Phoebe Prince moved to the US with her family from Ireland and following bullying, she committed suicide in January of 2010. 9 people who were in school with her were charged with criminal harassment, civil rights violation, rape and a number of other offences. When I was in school, one of my teachers made us watch a documentary on Phoebe Prince and the consequences of bullying.

I was lucky in school, I had some great friends, some whom are still some of my best friends to this day. Sure we had our ups and downs, bitchy remarks were passed but I don’t know where I’d be without some of these people ❤ I think what I want to say is that actions have consequences. Bullying kills, rumors and sly remarks eat away at someone and there is no need for it.

Ok I think that’s my rant over for today, I now have a super romantic date with my economics notes 🙂

Write soon,

Thanks for reading,

Kathy ❤

Studying, Stress and a Subluxed shoulder

Hey guys,

My apologies for not uploading sooner, I have had a kinda crazy month! College for the last month has been nuts! Between RAG week (where I was really boring and didn’t even go out once) and study my time-table has been pretty full. I also managed to injure myself at work so that’s always fun.

So during the summer I had two exam repeats as I failed them the first time I took them. That couple with a bad ending to my au-pairing experience left me in a bad mental space. I felt worthless and genuinely didn’t want to wake up in the morning after falling asleep. I got into a bad routine of not going to bed until around 2 am and not waking until around noon. I would then spend the entire day sitting on my bed on my laptop studying for my exams. It was bad and it was a contributing factor to how I was feeling. Things were also not good with my parents at the time, partially due to them not liking my then boyfriend and partially due to me coming home early from Spain. All these factors added up led me to have daily panic attacks and to my self harming. Obviously, none of this was ideal. This led me to go on and fail one of the repeats I had to sit. Once again, not ideal. I found that once my boyfriend and I broke up in October, I felt much better. I was able to focus more on uni and work and my mental health improved. I was on an upwards stretch until I hit a bump recently. The month of March is crazy for me, I had an exam on the 9th, an assignment (3000 words) due for the 27th and a Spanish test worth 30% of this years grade on the 29th. It’s a lot of pressure by itself but when you have your mother on your back EVERY FRIKIN DAY it makes things even worse. Recently things haven’t been so great for me. Stress levels are high and I started self harming again. I haven’t in about three weeks and the marks on my arms are healing but they are still there.

I haven’t told most people about how I’m feeling, mostly just one of my best friends, who I regret telling because he gets so worried about me. I don’t know why I’m writing this but it feels kinda good to let it all out and put an order on things. I still haven’t told anyone about this blog so I won’t be spilling my secrets to my friends and family. I have 5 exams coming up at the end of April/ start of May and I am absolutely terrified of failing. I can’t take much more of feeling like a failure, despite me spending nearly all my free time in the library since this semester began.

In addition to this, I haven’t been able to keep up going to the gym which is my stress relief due to injury. At the start of February, I sprained my ankle coming out of a lecture. It took about 2 weeks to recover and I was looking forward to being able to go to the gym. One Monday at work, I was all excited to go to the gym the following day when I was carrying a crate of beer and suddenly I had a crippling pain in my shoulder. I immediately dropped the crate (Onto a keg so it didn’t have far to go) and went in search of my manager. When I found her, I explained what happened and she was all concerned but there was  nothing she could do and she just reckoned I’d pulled a muscle. The following day, I went to the medical center in college and went to see the physio who diagnosed my shoulder as being subluxed. She said basically, my collar-bone popped out-of-place and back into place spontaneously. Fun right? Basically its just been one thing after another recently. I now have an infected finger cause stress is quite literally making my body break down. Yayyy.. Another prescription!

Anyway, Thanks for reading guys,

See you soon,

Kathy