Love. As told by a hopeless romantic.

I have always had a very idealistic view of love. I look at my parents, who are married 24 years since last week and see how happy they are and see what I want. They met when they were 18 and were married at 23. I am almost 21 and nowhere close to being married.

I had my first official boyfriend when I was 15, he was in my year in school and made me laugh. I remember being too scared to tell my friends that I liked him because one of my friends absolutely hated his guts, they had been in primary school together and did not get on. The relationship was short-lived. We were kids and the intensity of the relationship freaked me out. Fast forward two years and the same guy sits next to me in biology. I was furious but gradually, he broke down my walls and we fell in love. The relationship ‘ended’ for the summer as I was going to Belgium for the summer and he had family stuff to deal with. Although the relationship had technically ended, I was still in love with him. It didn’t take very long for us to get back together when school started back. We broke up a coupe of months later due to final year exam stress and some other BS excuses he gave me at the time. Fast forward another 2 years and he is someone I would consider one of my best friends. He was my rock for a long time and although we have had our ups and (pretty spectacular) downs, it is still possible to be friends.

Ian

Moving on to the second guy I loved. I have written about him a few times over the last year. We met the old-fashioned way, on Tinder. He lived in Kilkenny and me in Cork. I fell in love with him fairly quickly, which should have been a warning sign. My life became all about him, He was the first person who I thought of in the morning and the last person who I thought of at night. Yeah in some circumstances that might be considered cute. In my case it became unhealthy. He suffered from various mental health problems, which I thought I was going to be able to deal with. It turned out I wasn’t. I didn’t know which boyfriend would show up on a particular day. It made life difficult.  The relationship started to deteriorate when I was in Spain as an Au-Pair last summer. There was an incident when I cam home where I should have walked away from the relationship then and there. Instead I cried and put up with it. He didn’t realize he had done anything wrong.  Around this time, things were not good with my family and my own mental health started to deteriorate.  He also then began to pressure me into things that I could not do. We only ever had one fight but it was the same fight on repeat. When we broke up, I was heartbroken but I was also relieved.

I was a mess following the breakup but a friend of mine who has a boyfriend wanted to find someone on Tinder so she downloaded it on my phone about 2 weeks after we broke up. I ignored it for another few weeks and then got back into it. At the end of November I started seeing this guy. He is absolutely gorgeous and neither of us were really looking for a relationship at the time. We proceeded to see each-other on at least a weekly basis up until recently. The thing about me is I either fall hard and quickly or I don’t fall at all. I think I half fell for this guy but it wasn’t enough. I like being in contact with people and I am an absolute demon for snapchat (especially when its exam time…) My major problem with this guy was the non contact. There was a stage where I didn’t hear from him for a week and I decided enough was enough.

This brings me to my current romantic predicament. I have fallen for a guy I shouldn’t have, not because he’s a bad guy, just shitty timing. This particular guy drove to a house party at 4 am to make sure I was ok after getting snapchats from me suggesting I wasn’t ok. He came to cuddle me to warm me up and to scare off the 17 year olds who had been hitting on me all evening and wouldn’t take no for an answer. He also kissed me and that kiss changed everything. I had always though he was a great guy and his girlfriend (at the time) was lucky to have him. Now, he is moving to Dublin for work and me to Kerry for the summer. When I come back from Kerry, I will be moving to Spain. What I feel for him now, could turn into something big and I could fall really hard for him. Really really hard. The romantic in me says go for it, the practical side of me says you  are going to get your heart-broken again.

I have always recovered from heartbreak with some more walls. I find it difficult to let people in. I was asked at one stage ‘What kind of guys do you usually go for?’ and my response was ‘Usually ones who break my heart’. I don’t love easily but when I do, I love deeply. Tomorrow night I’m going to the going away party for the guy who is moving to Dublin. Last time I saw him he kissed me goodbye and I am freaking out about how it will go.

I was told recently by a guy that he didn’t see me as the marriage and kids type. I want to get married. Kids on the other hand, I’m allergic to 😛 For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married. I think this is due to my parents. I’m sure their relationship isn’t perfect and it’s had its ups and downs throughout the years. Despite that, they never let us see that, maybe we were to young to notice (we being me and my 3 younger siblings) and have now gotten to the stage where they joke about sex (That will never be ok..) They are each-others best friend and partner in all aspects. I want that. When I daydream about my relationships (you know when you think of all those possibilities) I see lazy weekends curled up together, I see walks on the beach, I see long car journeys where we talk for hours, I see hand holding and I see us being best friends and true partners.

I made a vow to myself that there were to be no life changing decisions to be made until I at least finished college. Who knows when that will be. For now I am going to see what happens tomorrow night with the guy who means a lot to me and maybe take a break from boys.. Probably a good idea.

Thanks for reading,

Love Kathy ❤

A letter to my future self

Hey guys,

So this morning as a form of procrastination, I re-read all of my posts to see if there were spelling mistakes etc as I was probably too lazy to do it when I first published them (I am going to work on this). I came across my post, A Series of Unfortunate Events, where I wrote about a bucket list I wanted to achieve before I turned 20. I am going to be 21 in August and I just realized that I had done very few of the things I wanted to get done for last summer. So here is me ticking off another thing on my list.

Thanks for reading,

Kathy ❤

Dear future Kathy,

As you write this, you are sitting in the basement of the ORB in UCC. You are listening to Ed Sheeran’s Castle on the Hill and smiling at the lines, “But I was younger then, take me back to when We found weekend jobs, when we got paid We’d buy cheap spirits and drink them straight Me and my friends have not thrown up in so long, oh how we’ve grown But I can’t wait to go home”. I don’t know when you are going to re-read this. I hope you have achieved all that you want to. I hope you got that summer job in the bank that you wanted to. That you made it to Alicante.

I hope that you are no longer sick, that despite having a rough start to 2017 that now you are ok. I hope that you have stopped hurting yourself, remember that scratch you got off the briar in Gran’s house about 10 years ago? That scarred you. you scar too easily to add more to your collection yourself.

I hope that no matter where you end up after this hellish year of college, you are happy. I hope that the people you want to support you do, without questioning it. I hope that you do you, you can do this. Remember, you are who you choose to become. Don’t let anyone change your mind and tell you otherwise. As I sit here and write this, my minds is all over the place, I don’t know where I’m going to be in two weeks time. I don’t know if I’ll be living at home for the summer, if I’ll be in Tralee or if I’ll be in Cork. Wherever you end up, whatever you do, remember you got this girl.

No matter what you’re doing, go outside, take a walk. Ring Mum for a chat, then ring Anna. Tell them you love them. Live every day to the full. Don’t be afraid to fall in love. Don’ ever let someone hurting you change how you look at love and relationships keep wearing your heart on your sleeve and don’t let anyone change that. Oh, and finish that bucket list of yours. 😛

Ok I think this went in about 15 different directions, this is a prime example of what you were like at exam time.

Lots of love,

20-year-old Kathy.